25. WRAPPING

"Nark!" Is what Stu might have thought,

When the police had got him caught!

Eve, however, kept her mouth closed,

And noth-ing she would disclose.

Now Stu knew Eve could be trust-ed

And that he would not be bust-ed

Re-al-ised Eve was quite neat,

Thought his children she should meet!

"Nark!" Is what Stu might have thought,

But Eve was loyal so no court!

Stan told them Chris was blameless

Just a stranger in distress!

Who’d found trouble in the woodland

Stan saved and was on the mend.

Didn’t know what the cops had thought!

Their theories might come to naught!

Knew their case was on the skids,

Stu got sent home to his kids!

Stan told them Chris was blameless,

Will not budge his yarn shameless.

"Look! Golightly caught that Stu!"

Going back to where he knew.

On his own without ass-ist-ance

He’d real-ly gone the dist-ance

Those young cops they were impressed

About a colleague they’d dismissed.

Now they thought him proper police,

They would give him some more peace.

"Look! Golightly caught that Stu!"

More respect is now his due!

See! Just now the story’s through

Hope it won’t dis-app-oint you!

Stu knew Eve would now stick by him

Give his kids a proper Mum.

Stan has someone to be wise to,

Chris might have a job to go to,

Car-ol will still get a fine,

After drinking all her wine!

See! Here is the story’s close,

Almost happy I suppose!

Well, that’s pretty much  a wrap on this strange seasonal  story (a "Chris Mouse" tale if you will) from our dark little corner of Lesser Blogfordshire. To those of you have been following this little advent tale, I hope that you’ve had as much fun reading it unfold as I got from concocting it, although the “plan” did have to be tweaked due to “unforeseen circumstances”. I also hope you recognised all the songs*, I hope you realised that all the tenuously linked-in titles were words that could be preceded by the word “Christmas” (an “Only Connect” moment…), but most of all I hope that the next time I get a daft idea like that, I go away and think of something else to do instead…

Never-the-less, all that remains is to wish both of you the happiest of Christmases and to hope you’ll maybe choose to visit Lesser Blogfordshire again one day.

Happy Christmas!
*For the record -

3. MESSAGE: While Shepherds Watched;
5. BELLS: The First Noel;
7. DRINK: We Three Kings;
9. NIGHT: Once in Royal David's City;
13. STAMP: Jingle Bells;
15. CHEER: The Holly and the Ivy;
17. CRACKER: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen;
19. DECORATION: Good King Wenceslas;
22. CARD: Silent Night;
24. TIME: Away in a Manger;
25. WRAPPING: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

24. TIME

A-way from all dan-ger,

Locked up in his cell,

It seemed for young Stu-art,

Things weren’t go-ing well.

E-vents on the out-side,

Were go-ing his way.

The police had no rea-son

To keep him that day.

For Stan said that no-one

Had tak-en some trees.

He’d not seen an-y-one

But Chris on his knees

He’d dragged him back home-wards

Tried to make him well,

If Stu-art had been there

He just could not tell.

Go-light-ly was ang-ry,

But Stan wouldn’t budge.

He smiled at the police-man

Who won’t bear a grudge.

Stan said he was sor-ry

Not to help him more,

He’d been more con-cerned with

That lad on the floor.

The Con-sta-ble had to

Try out a new tack,

Took Eve in to ques-tion

About her att-ack.

She plead-ed ig-nor-ance,

She’d not seen a soul.

If some-one had been there,

He’d left her a-lone.

Go-light-ly asked out-right

A-bout that fel-low,

Who’d knocked him right over

In-to lots of snow.

Eve said she’d seen no-one,

But some-times out-side,

Strange men in her gar-den

Had cho-sen to hide.

He did not be-lieve her

Not one word of it!

But need-ed a state-ment,

Or they’d have to quit.

Go-light-ly thought some-one

Should have to do time,

But loss of dig-nit-y

Was not a big crime.

When int-er-viewed Stu-art

De-nied be-ing there.

Until they’d pounced on him

He was oth-er-where.

He’d just gone to Eve’s house

For a bit of fun,

When the police had jumped him,

They’d got the wrong man!

He did not know what had

Gone on there be-fore.

The some-one who bashed them

Was not him, be sure!

There were ma-ny oth-ers

Out drink-ing that night,

It was near-ly Christ-mas

Some drunks like a fight!

The last roll of the dice

Was the leath-er strip,

That from his good jack-et

Had been known to rip.

Stu told them quite bold-ly

That the last week-end,

He’d ripped it whilst tak-ing

A walk with a friend.

They knew that he’d been there,

His coat told them that,

But no trees were tak-en

And so that was that!

The oth-er small prob-lem

The P.C. was sure,

He could-not be cer-tain

Who’d run from that door.

Go-light-ly sighed deep-ly,

Sat back in his chair,

Per-haps they’d nev-er know,

It was so un-fair!

Des-pite all their runn-ing

A-round on that night,

Their only con-vic-tion:

D.W.I.

23. BOX

“It’s turning into one of those nights!” thought the Desk Sergeant wryly to himself. “Half a foot of snow on the ground, old Golightly going out chasing phantom prowlers and then actually finding one, and then losing him again, so now everyone had gone out looking for the blighter, and meanwhile one of the patrol cars has disappeared completely off the radar after heading into the woods…”

Those officers in the big cities liked to think the had it easy out here in the wilds, but they still got their fair share of criminals, just not necessarily ones committing the same type of crimes, that’s all. The kids still got bored out here and found all sorts of ways to stave off their boredom, not always legal ones either. There was a fair amount of unemployment, especially on the estates, and the usual responses to poverty tended to happen as much here as anywhere else. The farms were always vulnerable, of course, to machinery, stock and livestock theft amongst other things, and you didn’t have to deal with any that sort of thing in the city.

The Desk Sergeant smiled to himself, thinking back to when he’d been a youngster on the beat and wondering how he would have managed if he’d been asked back then to round up a runaway pig or some geese. Not well, he imagined, but he’d got used to these things over the years.

“It has been an odd night, though,” he thought as he waited for the latest batch of offenders to march through the door. A couple of elderly chaps, who really should have been old enough to know better, had been causing a disturbance at the Oddfellows earlier on. This had led to them being sent off on their way with a caution. They’d got into a fight over their game of dominoes being disturbed by someone playing their music too loud, if he had heard it right. The run up towards Christmas always turned up its fair share of unusual incidents because even those who were normally the most sober of citizens might just decide to let their hair down for an evening.

The doors crashed open and one of those two missing Constables barged in with the latest drunk driver they’d nabbed on the bypass, and he was rather surprised to see it was young Carol, that pretty young nurse who, coincidentally, used to work in the Oddfellows. Sad - but, like he’d only just been thinking, all sorts seemed to go off the rails at this time of year. Behind her, the other young Officer came in, pushing old Stan the Gamekeeper and that young lad Chris Something-or-other ahead of him.

Now what was going on?

The lads had radioed in earlier saying that they were heading up to the Estate to follow up on something. Then they'd failed to respond when he’d been trying to get hold of them later on, just after Golightly had been assaulted.

“This one’s the D.W.I.” said the first Officer, indicating a dejected looking Carol, who reached out unsuccessfully to grasp Chris’s hand only to have her arm roughly pinned back to her side.

“And the others?” asked the Sergeant.

“Not sure yet,” he replied with a suspicious air “but something’s going on…”

“Have you arrested them?”

“Not yet!” The Officer gave the pair of them a steely stare.

“Right,” said the Sergeant checking how many cells he had free, “You’d better put her in The Box, and you two...” he shouted over at Stan and Chris, “Sit down over there. I’ll get round to you in a minute.”

They liked to rather grandly refer to it as “The Box” after a similar room that used to be on an old TV show, but really it was just a rather underused interview room in a tiny Police Station in a small town in the back of beyond. Nine times out of ten it was too full of junk to be used conveniently, but they’d had a bit of a clearout in time for the Christmas rush.

Chris did his best not to catch the Sergeant’s eye and sat meekly down before trying to exchange a supportive look with Carol before she was booked in and then led away.

“Now, where have you two been hiding?” said the Sergeant to his Officers, with the air of a man who really didn't want any more of their youthful nonsense tonight, “We’ve got a bit of a flap on and I couldn’t find either of you two anywhere…”

“The girl told us there was someone hurt in the woods,” said one, suddenly resembling a naughty schoolboy up before the headmaster.

“Him!” added the other one, pointing at Chris.

“He looks all right to me…” muttered the Sergeant.

“That’s what we thought…”

“I fixed him up…” Stan piped up helpfully, then wished he hadn’t when he saw the look all three Policemen gave him.

Further conversation was halted when old P.C. Golightly rather surprisingly barged through the doors manhandling a rather cold and annoyed looking bloke in a torn black leather jacket.

“Got ‘im, Sarge!” bellowed P.C. Golightly elatedly, trying to ignore the incredulous and open-mouthed looks that his colleagues were giving him. Behind him, another officer politely escorted Eve through the doors and sat her down on one of the row of plastic chairs where Stan and Chris were already sitting. She made a point of leaving an empty chair between herself and these unsavoury looking individuals, but they didn’t seem to notice.

Chris visibly paled when he realised it was Stu that had been brought in, and tried to turn and face away from him, turning up his collar as he did so, but he wasn’t quick enough to escape Stu’s piercing and furious gaze. P.C. Golightly immediately picked up on the look that passed between them.

“Do you know this gentleman, Sir?” he asked Chris pointedly. Chris quaked and twitchily shook his head briefly, but then one of the young Policemen noticed the hole in Stu’s jacket that was already spreading as he twisted and turned in Golightly’s grasp and something slotted into place in his mind.

“’Ere Sarge?” he said, producing an evidence bag from his pocket, “D’you reckon this might be from his jacket?’

“Where did you find that?” asked P.C. Golightly triumphantly, hoping it placed Stu at the scene of his earlier assault.

“Next to that bloke,” he replied, pointing at Chris as he tried his very best to blend in with the paintwork, “In Sixteen Acre Wood…”

P.C. Golightly’s face fell, “The woods, you say…?”

“Yeah! Miles away!” sneered Stu.

By now, P.C. Golightly really wasn’t in the mood for such arrogance. “Don’t let him go anywhere!” he shouted back over his shoulder as he bundled Stu through the doorway leading to The Box, only to get a further surprise when Stu received a perplexing stream of abuse from the girl who, until that moment, had been quietly sitting there.

“Don’t tell me you know him an’ all!” he said, as he shoved Stu through an open cell door whilst simultaneously trying to keep the crazy girl away from him. He slammed the cell door shut with Stu inside, turned round and stared at the girl with a look so forceful and full of rage that she very quickly decided her best bet was to shut up and sit back down.

“Right,” said P.C. Golightly purposefully, “Let’s try to get to the bottom of all this!”

22. CARD

Lousy night, dreadful night

Nothing’s gone slightly right

All started with a cash-making plan

To sell a few trees from the back of a van

Now it’s all gone so wrong

Now it’s all gone so wrong

Brilliant night, fabulous night

Proper crimes at last to fight

Young coppers think nothing happens round here

But now there’s someone to properly fear

Brings the neighbourhood down

Brings the neighbourhood down

Lousy night, dreadful night

Shouldn’t have tried taking flight

Making my living should not be this hard

But now these lawmen are marking my card

Maybe I’m going to go down

Maybe I’m going to go down

Brilliant night, fabulous night

Now we’ve got him in our sights

Closing our net on the stranger at large

Tonight I’m glad to have my warrant card

Part of the Thin Blue Line

Part of the Thin Blue Line

Lousy night, dreadful night

Not going down without a fight

Perhaps I can get back round to my Eve’s

Come up with a story that someone believes

Try to get to her door

Try to get to her door

Brilliant night, fabulous night

We have got him bang to rights

There was a real villain gone on the run

But now he’s been cornered and so we have won

Put the cuffs on him, son

Put the cuffs on him, son

21. PRESENT

The story at it stands at present…*

A policeman just doing his job,

Got knocked down by a runaway yob.

Then Eve’s deception,

Got frosty reception,

When she implied that Stu came to rob.

Young Eve told a Constable lies,

Which gave her a nasty surprise.

If she’d said that she knew,

Her boyfriend called Stu,

The law might have averted its eyes.

Now Stu’s all alone in the dark,

Being chased as the coppers’ main mark.

His thoughtless reaction,

Had triggered police action,

But now Stu’s had enough of this lark.

Carol, the nurse, had a worry,

And went out in too much of a hurry.

Forgot driving plus drink,

Might put her in clink,

Got pulled in, even though she was sorry.

A gamekeeper who was called Stan,

Was a lonely, but kindly old man.

His plan to deceive,

Gave Chris a reprieve,

And Stan found he had gained a new fan.

Young Chris got this story all started,

Then much from our tale he departed.

His girl, out of bed,

Was arrested instead,

But our saga can’t end with them parted.

*A short post for a short day

20. SHOPPING

Chris had been pretty terrified when that shot had rung out in the forest and had run like the proverbial bat to get out of there and he hadn’t seen the root under the snow that led to his crashing downfall. As he lay there stunned in the snow watching his partners in crime disappear into the distance and leaving him to his fate, he had a sudden realisation that this life truly wasn’t for him. He was quite happy to leave petty crime to the Stus of this world, and if by some remote chance he managed to get out of this pickle, he vowed that he would never be tempted to do such things again.

He’d hadn’t really noticed Stan rescuing him. He’s still been too dazed from his fall, but he knew full well that Stan wasn’t best pleased from the rough way he’d been half dragged back to the little house he now found himself in. He’d sat him down, still shivering from his time lying in the snow, in a chair next to the fireplace. Then he’d thrown a blanket at him and started to pour them both a coffee from his battered old thermos, which seemed friendly enough, so Chris didn’t think he’d ventured into “Deliverance” territory, but he was still waving that bloody great shotgun around, so Chris decided to stay put whilst Stan looked him over and seemed to be trying to decide quite what to do about him.

Before he knew it, Chris found himself babbling away about the job and Carol and his Christmas present problem and meeting Stu and agreeing to tag along and how he’d never done anything like this before in his life… It all just poured out of him and Stan just sat there, sipping at his coffee and listening like the wisest old man in the world.

When Chris had finished his story, Stan sat back in his chair and lit himself another pipe and contemplated the young man sitting across from him, then he very calmly and slowly read him the riot act, telling him that he was perfectly within his rights to call the Police and have him hauled before a Magistrate for trespass at the very least. This caused another meltdown for Chris who found himself babbling again, which seemed to produce little more than a chuckle from the old Gamekeeper.

Chris paused, confused at this reaction and Stan explained a few things to him which helped to calm him down a little. It seemed that Stan was prepared to let him go if he promised never to try anything like this again. He wasn’t prepared to be made a fool of, but he was willing to give him a second chance. He started telling him about an opportunity he’d been given way back in the day which had led him back to the ways of the straight and narrow, and Chris found that he actually quite liked the old chap, who seemed to be interested in telling him all the fascinating stuff that he knew about these woods, and how vital every part of the ecosystem was to every other part. The old boy was quite enthralling about it all really, making his world sound like a wonderful, almost magical place, and he found himself getting more and more questions about how things worked, and started thinking to himself that he’d really like to learn more about these things. As time went by he relaxed so much that he’d almost forgotten what it was that had brought him to this place that night.

Suddenly, the magic was broken by a firm knocking on Stan’s front door.

Stan was most surprised that someone might have come calling, especially at this time of the night. Sam leapt up from his basket with as much enthusiasm as a dog of his age could muster and barked furiously at the door. Stan pulled back the curtain he’d hung to keep the warmth in and looked through the glass panel.

“Policemen,” he said. He glanced over at where Chris sat pathetically wrapped in a blanket, looking like he was about to have a panic attack. He’d realised that his entire future could be decided in the next few minutes. If Stan was going to shop him, it would be now, and this really wasn’t the Christmas shopping he’d had in mind when he’d first agreed to accompany Stu into the woods tonight. Then, of course, there would be the bitter consequences if he had to shop Stu which also didn’t bear thinking about. “You’d better let me do the talking…” he heard Stan say. Chris gave him a rather pathetic look and Stan added calmly “Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell them anything…”

He opened the door and greeted the young Constables with all of his considerable charm, listened to their story, introduced himself and invited them in out of the cold, for which they were most grateful. Once inside they had a good look around the cluttered little room, and could hardly fail to spot the young man shivering in a blanket by the fireplace, despite Sam’s yapping barks doing their best to distract them.

“…and you must be our missing…” one of the Policeman started to say, when Carol hurled herself past both of them and gave Chris the biggest hug of his life.

19. DECORATION

A pat-rol car drove right in

Through a gate collaps-ed,

Looking for young Carol’s man,

Though she still they doubt-ed.

Hap-pi-ly Stu’s van had marked

Tracks to simply follow.

They drove up and quick-ly parked

In an icy hol-low.

Ev’ry-where upon the ground,

Was dec-or-at-ed full-y.

By those footprints all around,

That stood out so clearly.

They led them right to a spot

Where the ground was spoil-ed,

Showing signs of Stu-art’s plot

That now had been foil-ed.

Four trails led a-way from there

A-cross the wood’s cold flo-or.

Some went right back to from where

They’d left the four-by-four.

One set of steps were freshly made

By Stuart’s other helper.

Who’d headed home with nothing gained

From this little venture.

The third set head-ed right in

T’wards a for-est clear-ing.

To right where the trees had been

Vul-ner-ab-ly growing.

Then they backed up once again

Straight back to right he-re,

Where those three escaping men

Then tried to disappear.

The last set was the very most

Int-er-est-ing to see.

A young man had fallen down

Und-er-neath a fir tree.

He’d been found there in the snow,

Ly-ing on the hard ground.

Picked right up and helped to go

Where he might still be found.

18. TREAT

Afterwards, both of the young Police Constables were prepared to admit to each other, if not to anyone else, that they did wonder whether this woman, who was still rather good looking considering her age, was trying to tempt them into the woods to give them a bit of a treat in order to avoid getting a fine or a ban.  Whilst both of them would say that they only went along because they thought it was the other one who wanted to go through with it, neither of them really knew why they actually took the young nurse so seriously.

Maybe it really was just her pretty face.

Whatever the reasons were, ten minutes later they had radioed in and then were passing through an opening in a dry-stone wall where a large wooden gate had, until quite recently, once stood. It had been recently been demolished by a speeding white van exiting the woods at high speed earlier on that very same night.

These young policemen weren’t idiots, and the scattered debris from the gate and the tyre tracks from a largish vehicle pretty much convinced them that something had been going on in the woods that night, they just hadn’t quite worked out what it had to do with a drunken nurse heading out here in an inappropriate vehicle in the middle of the night. At the very least, they reasoned, she knew more about what was going on and who was involved than she’d been letting on to them.

They did their level best to remain open-minded as the Police 4x4 toiled its way up the hill, driving up one of the fire lanes in Sixteen Acre Wood. They had worked together for a fair number of months now and were both pretty much aware of what the other was thinking. They kept exchanging enigmatic glances that confirmed their suspicions and to prove to each other that they’d both come to the same conclusion. However, given the weather conditions, the young lad who was not driving did rather wish that his companion would concentrate more on his driving.

Eventually the tyre tracks they were following came to an end, and they pulled the 4x4 up roughly where Stu’s van had been parked only a couple of hours earlier. The two young Constables clambered out of their car and noticed straight away that there were a number of footprints heading off towards the woods.

“She might be telling the truth, you know” said one to the other, indicating the car where Carol was furiously trying to indicate to them that she was locked in and wanted to get out.

“What do you reckon?” said the other, “Should we bring her along?”

“Well, she is a nurse…” the first replied “Might not be the worst thing.”

His colleague strolled over to the car and released Carol, and then had to grab her as she tried to make a dash in the direction of the trail of footprints. “Hang on there, Miss…”

“But he’s out there! We’ve got to…”

“All in good time. Now, you don’t want me to have to cuff you, do I?”

Carol shook her head, miserably.

“And you’re not going to try running off now, are you Miss?”

Again, another shake of her head.

“But, can we go now, please?”

The Constables looked at each other, shrugged and thought “Why not?”, and grabbing their jackets and torches from the car, all three set off along another trail of Stu’s footprints stretching back into the woodland.

Within a very short time, they came across a large amount of disturbed snow, and it was immediately obvious that someone had come a cropper here quite recently, but there was no sign of anyone. There were, however, trails of footprints heading off in four directions.

One of the Constables fancied himself as a potential C.I.D. man and quickly summed things up for them. Three sets had come in the way they had and just one set went back the way they had come. Another single set headed off through the trees towards the road. A third set of three seemed to be heading both into and out from another area of the forest.

And then there was a fourth set, someone arriving alone and then leaving, half dragging, half carrying another person along with them.

His colleague thought that his associate really needed to stop stating the obvious if he ever wanted to make Detective and looked around at the scene in front of him, trying to work out what had happened.

Meanwhile, Carol was bereft that she hadn’t yet found Chris and started pleading with the two young Constables that they should continue on their way. The potential C.I.D. man agreed with her, hoping to get out of the cold as soon as he decently could. He looked around at his colleague, wondering what he was doing standing looking at that branch.

“Come on then!” he shouted over, “I reckon we should go this way!” He indicated the fourth trail, reasonably supposing that that was the way the injured man had been taken.

“Hold on a sec!” His colleague replied. “I think there’s something in this tree…”

17. CRACKER

Arrest that merry motorist

Let no excuses sway!

Remember, though a cracker,

She must be made to pay.

Now she might think she has the right,

To drive around that way!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

We’ve caught you bang to rights, young Miss!

There’s nothing you can say!

Driving in your car whilst pissed,

Upon this carriage-way.

You’ve blown into our little bag,

And given the game away!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

Now Carol’s getting desperate,

For Chris out in the snow.

She worried about him so very much,

And had to let them know,

That she’d heard about his accident,

From some bloke on the phone!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

Now young policemen are not stupid,

And weren’t born yesterday.

Thought that she was trying a scam,

So she could get away.

Told her that they nearly heard

A new one ev’ry day!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

She told them of her nursing life,

And how she stayed prepared,

To care for others, like themselves,

Good work for folk that cared.

Surely in times much like this,

It was a job they shared!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

Whilst they weren’t com-plet-e-ly,

Convinced by this her tale,

They thought they’d best check it all out,

Before she went to jail.

In case there was a man out there,

Who’s life signs might just fail!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

So finally she talked them ’round,

To going on the way,

To a Wood called Sixteen Acre,

Where she thought Chris did lay,

Upon the ground all freezing cold,

After too much delay!

O see her eyelids flutt’ring away,

Flutt’ring away,

O She mi-ght have to flut-ter them all day.

16. CAROL

Carol was in a flat panic as she pulled into the lay-by and stopped the car. Christ! what an idiot! She knew now of course that she should have called a taxi, but she’d never even thought about all that wine she’d been knocking back once she’d taken that call from Stu. All she could think about was Chris lying alone and hurting in the woods, and that she needed to get to him and give him all the help he needed.

The young Constable strolled over from the police car and tapped on the window next to her, and, playing her part in the time-honoured ritual to the letter, she pressed the button that wound down the glass and looked up at the young man in his uniform, the crisp elegance of which was rather ruined by the fluorescent jacket he was wearing over it.

“He’s a bit of a dish!” she found herself thinking, but she quickly realised that this was probably the wine combining with the adrenaline in her system making her feel flirty. She then also felt terribly ashamed at herself for this brief mental indiscretion whilst Chris was still lying out there in the woods. She looked up at the youthful officer and forced a tiny smile. “It is true,” she thought “They really do start to look younger…”

“Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle, Miss?” he said. The still formality of someone she thought could be little more than a teenager made her have to stifle a slight giggle and she turned away to unclip her seatbelt in order to hide it. Then she pushed at the door for all she was worth, but the wretched thing refused to budge.

“Sorry, Officer,” she smiled up at him, “Frozen locks…”

Was that a faint glimmer of a smirk the lad quickly tried to hide? She wasn’t sure, but she messed around with the door release catch a few more times from the inside, and the young officer, with a sigh that really implied that such a thing was well beneath him, started to jiggle the handle on the outside. Eventually the door gave in to their combined efforts and swung open.

Despite having thrown her outdoor clothes on in a bit of a hurry, Carol had always been able to catch the eye of most young men, and as she stretched her legs out onto the freezing tarmac, she definitely noticed his eyes as he became very aware of them, even clad in her old jeans and snowboots.

“This might not be so bad” she thought, and as she stood up to her not-that-impressive height, she managed to slip ever-so-slightly on the icy surface and fall into him, hoping that he might just respond to this brazenly flirtatious act and let her go with a warning.

“If in doubt,” she remembered her Mum telling her once, “Flutter the eyelids for all you’re worth. It might get you out of trouble one day!”

Well, it had worked more than once when she worked at the Oddfellows.

“Here goes! Nothing ventured…”

Unfortunately it seemed to have the reverse of the desired effect on the young man. He misinterpreted her unsteadiness for the effects of alcohol, and her sudden proximity to him gave him ample opportunity to smell her breath.

“Oh, dear, Miss. Have we been drinking…?”

She considered for a moment his use of the “we” and thought better of commenting upon it.  Instead she found herself saying “Just one or two, Officer” which of course wasn’t a lie if you were counting in bottles.

Pretty quickly she found that the other officer had come over and joined him and the whole tedious and unpleasant process of the breathalyser had taken place and she was in the back of their car having been arrested.

This was really not how she’d hoped things would turn out.

She started to babble about why she was out there, about the phone call she’d had and about Chris lying injured up in Sixteen Acre Wood. She even had enough wits about her to explain that her mystery caller probably knew that she was a nurse because she used to work in a bar, and might just have rung her up because of that.

“If nothing else,” she thought, “That gets me off the hook with Stu.”

They kind of listened, seemingly managing to make it possible to listen sarcastically, but she could tell that they refused to believe a word of it. Presumably they were thinking, as she had when making her explanation, that the mystery man was more likely to ring 999 than some random nurse he might have once met. She imagined that they’d come to the conclusion that she was just making up some feeble excuse to try and get away with it. Both had by now adopted the sardonic air of men who’d heard it all a thousand times before, and from young women with much prettier legs than hers too, she expected.

Then she remembered her bag, and dived into it, triumphantly producing her hospital identity card, which she shoved under their noses.

“Look” she said, with the emphatic air of someone who just dared them to ignore her, “We all work in the emergency services, so we’re all pretty much interested in the same thing. Now I don’t care if you throw the book at me or not, but… there’s a bloke lying out there in the snow in Sixteen Acre Wood. A bloke who I happen to be rather fond of, so per-lease can we go up there and look for him before he freezes to death?”

The two young men looked at each other.

“Okay. Just don’t try anything, all right?”

“You wish!”

15. CHEER

The folly of her driving,

Was suddenly quite clear.

When Carol drove into the night,

Full of Chr-ist-mas cheer.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

Her man lay in the woodland,

And she was worried sick.

But getting into her frozen car,

Meant climbing o’er a gearstick.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

She drove onto the by-pass

Heading out t’wards the trees,

Fretting about her be-lov-ed Chris,

And not noticing the Police.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

She sped along in a hurry,

Not taking too much time,

Passed a couple of keen young officers,

Eagerly fighting crime.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

With flashing lights they chased her,

Forced her to slow right down.

With growing dread she realised,

A bag soon would be blown.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

They pulled her over in a lay-by,

Breathalysed her and then,

The crystals turned a brilliant green,

Before she’d counted ten.

Although a mission of mer-cy,

Getting behind the wheel,

Having drunk two bottles of cheap white wine,

Is not what you should do.

14. ANGEL

Carol wasn’t sure at first who she was most angry with; Stu for getting Chris involved in one of his schemes, or Chris for going along with it.

She’d slammed down the phone on Stu after he’d called her, and howled in anger at the top of her voice at the ridiculousness of the man. Ringing her up at this time of night pretending he was concerned about Chris whilst still making those veiled threats that she should keep her mouth shut. Well, she hadn’t kept her mouth shut for long and had unleashed a stream of unpleasant oaths in his general direction that would have no doubt shocked her mother, but which would have come as no surprise to the regulars down the local.

She passed up and down in agitation, wondering quite what she should do. The warm, comforting feeling she’d had in her system from the alcohol was already forgotten.

She’d known Stu, of course, from her days working behind the bar at the Oddfellows, and he’d always been a bit of an old devil.

What had he said? He’d had to leave Chris behind in the woods because he’d fallen over and he didn’t have any chance to stop and help him. Why ever not, for God’s sake? Isn’t that what you do? Well, it’s certainly what she would have done, she thought, and what most people worth their salt would have done, too. Mind you, it was Stu she was dealing with here, she  rationalised, so his own neck was bound to have been his priority. She wondered quite what they’d been up to out there anyway, but decided to let it pass.

Chris, was going to have some explaining to do.

In the meantime, well, she was a fully trained nurse, and she was blowed if she was going to let her Chris lie out there in Sixteen Acre Wood, possibly in great pain, no matter what he’d been up to.

She threw her jeans on over her leggings, put on her thick parka and snowboots, grabbed her medical kit and headed out into the night.

The Micra wasn’t really built for this kind of weather but she’d have to chance it. Unfortunately she had to spend about ten minutes scraping ice off the windows and messing around with the locks to try and get the driver’s door to open. Stupidly, the passenger door opened without the slightest hitch, so she scrambled in through that door instead and bumped her way over past the gear-stick, thankfully not doing herself a mischief in the process.

She fumbled around with the keys and at the third attempt got the engine to turn over. Praying a silent prayer to whatever Gods of motoring there were, she looked around for her medical kit and realised she’d left it on the roof of the car.

Swearing loudly to herself, she reversed her previous manoeuvre to retrieve it, and then manipulated herself back into the driver’s seat once more.

More by luck than anything else, she managed to get the little car out of the maze of side streets and onto the bypass, and she was just starting to feel a little better about things when she noticed the flashing blue lights in her rear view mirror, and realised that she’d forgotten to switch any of her lights on.

Then she remembered how much wine she’d had.

13. STAMP

Dashing through the snow,

Not having a good day.

Through the streets he goes,

Cussing all the way.

Stu is on the run,

Leaving a snowy trail.

He really isn’t having fun,

With policemen on his tail.

Oh! Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Whizzing through the night.

Oh, what fun it is to have,

A four-wheel-drive tonight.

Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Flashing towards day,

Knowing it won’t take too long,

’Til you catch that runaway.

Young Coppers in their car,

Stamp firmly on the gas.

Excitement in their town,

Has come around at last!

A villain to be caught,

Ran off on foot they’re told,

But they are in a nice warm car,

And he’ll be getting cold.

Oh! Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Whizzing through the night.

Oh, what fun it is to have,

A four-wheel-drive tonight.

Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Flashing towards day,

Knowing it won’t take too long,

’Til you catch that runaway.

Yeah! Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Whizzing through the night.

Oh, what fun it is to have,

A four-wheel-drive tonight.

Blues and twos, blues and twos,

Flashing towards day,

Knowing it won’t take too long,

’Til you catch that runaway.

12. POST

The collision knocked P.C. Golightly right over and he fell backwards into the snow. Stu paused for a moment, winded and shocked more than anything else, and was just about to mutter a surly and wholly insincere “Sorry, Mate!” to his as yet unidentified and unexpected obstacle when he cast a swift look at the prone stranger flailing around on the ground at his feet and spotted the uniform.

Quickly suppressing the sudden shock and dread he was feeling, Stu soon gathered his wits about him and scarpered swiftly off through the front gate and into the street just as fast as his legs could carry him.

The hapless Constable scrabbled around trying to get a grip on the icy surface, and by the time he had managed to get himself up to his knees, Stu was long gone.

Kneeling there winded and feeling rather undignified in the snow, and then just beginning to sense the freezing cold wetness penetrating his uniform trousers, P.C. Golightly was not feeling best pleased, not least because the little blighter hadn’t even stopped for a second and offered to help him up.

“Right!” he thought, “I’ll show him!” and reached to his lapel for his radio, which he grabbed with the sort of flourish a gunslinger might have done in one of those Westerns he had so enjoyed as a boy. P.C. Golightly was not by nature one for the ostentatious, but, for once, he really relished the moment, even though it quickly passed when he realised what an idiot he probably looked like.

Golightly breathed deeply and tried to calm himself down enough to make his report, knowing full well that his reputation around the station was hardly going to be enhanced by any descriptions he might make about falling over in the snow.

He was patched through to the Desk Sergeant who immediately made some smart remark about whether he was calling in because he’d slipped on some ice and started off with some typical banter about sending out cranes to help him to get to his feet. He still had a merry lilt in his voice as he began to take Golightly’s report. His mood very quickly become much more serious as Golightly described his encounter with his dark-clothed assailant leaving a trail size twelve bootprints across the lawn, and instantly and effortlessly switched into his more professional manner and ordered someone to head around to collect his fallen officer.

Once Golightly had signed off, the Sergeant put out a call for his patrolling officers to keep an eye out for the young tearaway. He couldn’t have people disrespecting his officers like that, even if it was just old Golightly.

Officer Golightly had, by this time, recovered enough of his wits to think about things a little. He decided to call in again and say he was fine, but thought that he’d better just check on the house he’d seen Stu running from. With a great deal of care, he walked up to the door of Eve’s house, unknowingly being her second gentleman caller in the small hours of that morning.

He rang the doorbell.

Inside the house, Eve was a mess of nerves. She’d already been wondering whether she should ever let Stu back into her house ever again, but with him having stormed off into the night like he just had, she was quite frightened of what he might do if he came back later on.

Having had no luck with the doorbell, Golightly knocked hard on the door knocker, and, after his collision with the intruder, was starting to become very concerned for the safety of the occupant of the house.

He shouted through the letterbox, “Is there anybody in there? Eve, are you all right, Miss…?”

Eve didn’t recognize the voice, but she was just very relieved that it wasn’t Stu returning. She carefully went towards the door, and flicked open the letterbox to find herself eyeball-to-eyeball with P.C. Golightly. Both of them jumped back in surprise, and Eve was more than a touch surprised to hear her empty milk bottles clattering around in disarray.

“H-h-hello…” she said, carefully, still wondering whether Stu had perhaps returned with one of his dodgier mates to give her a hard time.

“Police, Miss…” said P.C. Golightly trying to get back to his feet on the icy doorstep with all the professional dignity he felt he could muster under the circumstances, whilst also trying not to let his teeth chatter.

After a certain amount of negotiation, Eve warily opened the door and had to suppress a giggle at the disheveled figure in front of her, still trying to muster at least the appearance of officialdom despite everything.

A few minutes later, the Officer was gratefully drinking a cup of tea in the very same kitchen that his target had so recently vacated. He realized that Eve seemed very nervous, pacing around the kitchen and nibbling at her fingernails anxiously, and chose to ignore the fact that the kettle had boiled very quickly indeed and there was more than one mug visible. After all, maybe she was one of those strange types who insisted on using a clean mug every time she had a cup of tea, even in the middle of the night.

Maybe.

Probably had a dishwasher, he mused, remembering the evenings he’d spent washing mugs in his own house and resenting just how many different mugs his family seemed to use during the average day.

Eve was of course, quite frankly terrified. Terrified that Stu might return, terrified of what this Policeman wanted, and terrified of saying the wrong thing. What was it that Stu always told her? “Best that she didn’t know.” Well, she realized now that he was probably right about that…. Now, what was it that Golightly was saying to her…?

P.C. Golightly was asking her if she knew the gentleman who had dashed from her house a few moments ago. For his part, he was quite willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, he could just have been a prowler who had been disturbed to see an officer of the law approaching the house and had decided to make a run for it.

That, of course, made matters entirely different. If this was a genuine villain they were chasing, the young girl in front of him had just had a very lucky escape. If it was a pal of hers, and she was protecting him, well, that was another issue. He realized he had to play things very carefully. How she responded to his next question would make all the difference when he called in to the Station again. If she claimed that she didn’t know the fellow, he’d basically have to hit the panic button, and the whole thing would escalate from a small domestic incident to something approaching a major incident.

“So, the gentleman who was running from your house, Miss… Have you ever seen him before?’ he asked.

Eve tried to imagine what Stu would do. “Deny everything,” that was pretty much his standard position on these things.

“No,” she said, “I’ve never seem him before in my life!”